Already post it on Reddit. I'm not a good writer and I don't speak english very well. Anyway I hope someone likes it!
Kim is a lonely girl, pale skin, long brown hair and big blue eyes. She is 21 years old, she likes reading: books, manga, comics, for her it’s the same. Unfortunately, her peers don’t have her weakness for reading so she hasn’t friends. For this reason, when Monika, the newcomer girl, proposes her a girl night at her home, Kim accepted immediately. Monika is a beautiful girl, black hair up to the shoulder, fringe. She approached Kim apparently without reason. She is also passionate of books, in few days they became friends.
Evening starts with a pizza at Monika’s home, they are alone. Kim wears a dark green t-shirt, very large for her. It’s a warm night and she doesn’t wear trousers, only a pair of underwear hidden under the shirt. Monika wears a light pajamas, light pink which highlights a shapely body. The two girls are chatting all evening, they watch a film on Nextflix, Monika show to her friends her library, she reads her an excerpt of Rant, her favourite books. Evening flows nicely, the two girls joke, eat and drink a little. Kim feels that she might have finally found a friend!
It’s the one o’clock, Kim begins to be tired. She looks around but Monika is not here, maybe she is in the kitchen. She get up to go to the bathroom. The door is at the end of the corridor, she walks humming a silly song. She is almost at the door when Monika come out from an adjacent room and rushes against her banging her against the wall. Kim feels a severe pain in the stomach. The other girl takes a step back, Kim feels something get out of her abdomen, she doesn’t understand what is it until she sees Monika with a long knife a knife stained with blood in her hand. She laughs. The left hand is in her pants moving slowly. Kim looks down, she sees blood, a lot of blood, a deep wound in her flesh. The girl trembles, mouth and eyes wide open, looking at who she thought was a friend.
“Beautiful! Very beautiful! The knife that penetrates into the flesh! What a wonderful feeling Kim! You should see your look now!”
“Please, you do…”
“Aw, sorry! I forgot a thing!” she hits her again, a deep stab above the right breast. Kim is terrified, she can't hold back the pee and a warm trail runs down her leg. She would like to move but the pain is too much and she slides along the wall un to the ground. Monika watches her breathing with difficulty continuing to masturbate. She sits next to her, almost tenderly, she caresses her hair, looks at the wounds with a curious air. Kim can’t believe it, she’s dying and her friend looks her aroused.
“Monika, call an ambulance ple…”
she sticks two fingers in the stomach wound, Kim tries to scream but what comes out is more like a gurgle. Monika sticks her blood-stained fingers in her underwear again “I beg…” another gurgle, a bubble of blood explodes from her lips, Monika pants more and more excited, she has the knife in hand again.
On the ground blood mixes with urine, Kim's getting weaker. Monika accelerates the rhythm, she feels the orgasm is near. Another lunge in the stomach and the girl cums, screams for pleasure while she continues to stab her victim dirtying everything with blood. After not less than ten stabs, Monyca stops, catches her breath, the knife still stuck in Kim's side. She has cuts every, defense wounds on her arms, a lot of wounds in the chest and abdomen. Monika get up faltering, ecstatically, a broad smile on her face
“It's a shame you can't prove it sweetheart. It’s… heavenly!”
Kim no longer has the strength to respond her. She is choking in her own blood, her lungs full of liquid, the eyes wander aimlessly. She remain alive for several minutes, spitting and gasping until she bends his head forward with a last gurgle.
Monika stays for a while looking at her work, her first murder. Still aroused she goes to bed. She will take care of cleaning tomorrow.
That's really good! Are you going to write more?
I could try, if I find the desire to write in English again. Usually my story include stabbing (particularly), shooting and strangling. Always female victims (14yo minimun) and usually male killers. Rape sometimes, almost always non-cons.
Advice on writing and language very welcome.
Your writing is good, you get to the point (if you excuse the pun) quickly, and the story has a nice erotic feel to it. In other words I got a boner reading it.
Your English isn't perfect, but it doesn't really detract from the story; it's perfectly understandable and your descriptions really conjure up a vivid scene.
For sure, I could make a number of corrections to your English. I don't have time right now, but I might email you later about that.
Well, I could comprehend it well as a native English speaker, so its not that bad. Just needs a bit of polish, but I'm sure people would be willing to help.
That said, its always nice to have some more nonconsensual stories on /lit/.
I've emailed you with detailed notes. Hope you find it helpful!
Thanks for the tips, I will keep it in mind. I'm not sure about the past tense, obviously I have to stay consistent, but (at least in my language, italian) I prefer to write in presente tense, the story is not narrated, it's… experienced live but I have to think about it.
New stories will arrive, I just have to choose which one to translate
It is common practice to write in past tense. I have been reading for a lifetime and never realized it.
About "Rant", it's a Chuck Palahniuk book, for me it's his best work
Of course, you can write in present tense, in a blow-by-blow account of what is happening. But I feel there is something a bit strange in the way you do it. I'm not sure what it is, to be honest. Maybe it's because it's written in a descriptive way, and not from one person's perspective. Perhaps someone who is properly educated in that kind of stuff can explain it better than me.
Tense is something I never considered either, until I started writing (only 4 months ago). And now I realise that it's a tricky thing to figure out. Other writers have told me they struggle with it too, so we're not alone in that.
I think part of the problem with the tense in this story is that you changed it twice in the first paragraph. There's nothing wrong really with writing in the present tense, but you have to stay consistent. For example, "Kim accepted immediately" and "She approached Kim" should be "Kim accepts immediately" and "She approaches Kim".
Also, I'm not sure if Squunch mentioned this in his email, but be careful when you use pronouns that it's clear to whom you are referring. This gets tricky when the scene only involves two females. For example, you have Kim speaking, asking Monica to call an ambulance, and then you follow that with, "She sticks two fingers…" which to the reader would imply that action is carried out by Kim. I figured out through context that it was actually Monika, but you don't want there to be any ambiguity there.
I agree with the other two posters, though. It's pretty good, and I always welcome more non-con snuff on this board, and it looks like the stuff you like to write about perfectly aligns with my own kinks.
Yes, I did mention the sudden change of tense and the pronoun / dialog tag thing in the email. Those things jumped out at me too. Ha! I even said the same thing about it being resolved in the context… I actually spent 2 hours going through the story line-by-line, so I probably gave more feedback than was strictly necessary. But it's a great little story, and I thought it was worth it.
BTW, when is Julie going to get dieded / demised again? I don't know if I mentioned it before, but you're one of my absolute favourite guro authors.
Hey, thanks, man. I appreciate that. I'm not sure when I'll finish something new. I took a break and didn't write much of anything for a few months, and just over the last couple days inspiration struck and I got back into it a little, but it comes and goes. I also have trouble sticking to one story. I have like six different stories in the works, some of which I haven't touched in a year or more, and another dozen in my head floating around, evolving, trying to come out.
Wow that's incredible! I have enough trouble with just one story tbh.
Bloodlust, I read your Julie stories and I loved them (and love her, every time I don't know if I want to see her die slaughtered or live happy), I'm very glad you like it. Probably it's the best snuff collection I read (and outmatch also a lot of normal literature). "Webseries" gave me chills for two days. I can confirm, we have very similar kinks (less guts for me) and a similar victim preference.
I have a story with a "Julie" that I could post if it's not a problem.
Thanks for the tips and I hope in another Julie misadvendture soon
Thank you, OfixN. I’m really glad you enjoy my stuff. Of course you can post a story about Julie. I’d love that.
The best advice I could probably give you about writing is if you enjoy it, keep at it. The only way to get better at writing is to keep writing.