topgfsfurart3dcgdislitrpp2preq

/lit/ - Literature

Name
Email
Subject
Comment
File
Password (For file deletion.)

 No.16510

Alexander was a small boy aged 11 he looked like he was 9 the year is 1472 May 12th in the country of Britannia(Alternate Universe). Alexander is lying down in his cell his wrist and ankles shackled he knew in just two hours he would be hanging to death for his crimes. Now you might be asking what lead him to being condemned to die? Well unfortunately Alexander was born to very poor parents who abandoned him at 5 he fell in with a group of street children that robbed people to survive. Well 3 days ago they where robbing a home when the owner Mr. Jefferson Walked in Alexander was the closest to the door he froze at the sight of the man. Mr Jefferson Hit Alexander in the head with his cane knocking him out the other 5 boys stabbed Mr Jefferson to Death and ran away When the police Arrived Alexander was lying on the ground knocked out still. He was Charged with Murder and Robbery the judge gave the 11 year old Alexander a deal if he turned in his friends who where in the house with him he would spare his life. Alexander Refused. His last Meal is brought in a light stew a piece of bread and a glass of water he slow eats it over 30 minutes. Thirty minutes after he finished his last meal 2 guards come and escort him to the bath where he is forcibly washed the boy is then dried by the guards. He is left naked and shackled as the condemned in this nation die naked. He is lead back to his cell where a priest waits for him for the next 30 minutes the boy goes over his confession. The priest tells him he is forgiven and after death he will go to heaven. 4 guards, his executioner, and the prison warden arrive the priest steps out, two of the guards step in Alexander puts his hands forward the guards unshackle his hands and turn him around and re-shackle his hands behind his back. 2 guards lead him out of the cell and stand in front of him the other 2 guards step behind him and place a hand each on his shoulders. The priest stands to his left the warden stands to his right his executioner stands in front of the front two guards. We begin the walk to the jails doors which lead right to the center of town. After we are through the door a crowd has formed to watch me die. I'm lead to the gallows all 4 guards stop the executioner steps forward and grabs me by the shackles and forces me up the eight steps and pushes me on to the x mark and places the rope around my neck. The warden then reads the sentence Alexander Lee A magistrate of the Great Nation of Britannia. Has found you guilty of Murder and of robbery and sentenced you to hang by Neck until you are dead you will die by the method of Slow Strangulation hanging. If you have any last words before your sentence is carried out. I shake my head no. the executioner pulls the lever I am lifted a foot off the ground. The crowd cheers. At first it doesn't hurt to bad I look at the crowd I see the five boys I had been robbing homes with I smile quickly. Now the pain is getting very painful. My neck hurts, my lungs hurt, my eyes hurt. My legs are kicking my arms are pulling against the shackles I have an erection the crowd is laughing and cheering. I’m losing strength i’m no longer kicking just twitching I have my first and only ejaculation it sprays on the executioners shoulder. My vision starts to go black. I finally pass out from the pain. Warden point of view The poor youth finally loses consciousness still twitching his eyes slightly open they look dulled and darkened. An hour after he started hanging a doctor steps up to check for a heart beat he hears none. The dead boy is cut down. Two professors come up and pay the executioner 50 pounds for the boys corpse so they can dissect him for medical research in this nation the executioner owns the body and possessions of the condemned after they are dead if they have no family that stepped forward to claim it before their sentence is carried out.

 No.16511

If nothing else was wrong with this, switching from third to first person still would have ruined it.

 No.16513

Holy shit, please learn how to punctuate. This is unreadable.

 No.16514

I'll be a bit more encouraging, because there's some positives, like the attention to detail. Clearly you've spent some time dreaming up this scenario, and it could be the basis for a good little tale.

But the critics' harsh words above are true though. So here's my suggestions.

1. It's a formidable wall of text. You need to break it down into paragraphs. Each paragraph should be like a self contained mini scenario. In my own writing, I tend to use very small paragraphs, sometimes just a sentence or two. Others make them longer. It's probably a matter of style, but you need to have some to break up the otherwise unrelenting text.

2. I can't see a single comma. Punctuation is important, as it further breaks up the text into easily processable chunks. Maybe when you read it, it seems okay, but try to put yourself in the position of someone who is coming to it fresh.

3. Again, partly due to (lack of) punctuation, the rhythm of your writing is kinda dull. It's just one descriptive sentence after another, try varying the pace and structure of the sentences to make it flow in a more conversational way.

4. As the other guy mentioned, switching from third to first person doesn't work here. I think it would work well in the first person throughout, getting inside the head of the victim, so to speak.

5. I'm not a professional writer or anything, just doing a bit for fun. So I'm not above looking stuff up if I'm not sure. For instance, if I was you I'd google "using paragraphs" and take that advice on board. I've done this loads of times in my own writing, every time I'm not sure about a word, I look it up, and look for alternatives.
The same goes for punctuation, structure, using dialog etc. This way I've expanded my vocabulary, and hopefully improved my writing a bit. I still make mistakes, but I'm trying to improve.

6. Just a minor thing really, don't use numerals for small numbers in the text. It's kinda ugly. Spell them out "Alexander was a small boy aged eleven, although he looked like he was only nine."

7. Keep writing. Like I say, there is promise in what you're writing, and the anonymity of the internet makes it easy for others to be harshly critical, but I say keep at it.

 No.16515

sorry everyone english is my third language not very good at.sorry very sorry

 No.16516

>>16515
No need to apologize my friend, don't be too hard on yourself. Your English is better than some here who are writing in their first language! I hope you don't get discouraged by some comments here, at least you have the balls to write something in a public forum. Personally, I'm looking forward to more, and hope you will continue and improve. Good luck!

 No.16518

>>16515
Most people will not care that much about your English, but you should add at least some random line breaks/paragraphs to make this wall of text less uniform. Now it is even hard to read it.
If you move your eyes away you cant find where you were before. here is how it could look like:
————————


Alexander was a small boy aged 11 he looked like he was 9 the year is 1472 May 12th in the country of Britannia(Alternate Universe). Alexander is lying down in his cell his wrist and ankles shackled he knew in just two hours he would be hanging to death for his crimes. Now you might be asking what lead him to being condemned to die?

Well, unfortunately, Alexander was born to very poor parents who abandoned him at 5 he fell in with a group of street children that robbed people to survive. Well 3 days ago they were robbing a home when the owner Mr. Jefferson Walked in Alexander was the closest to the door he froze at the sight of the man. Mr Jefferson Hit Alexander in the head with his cane knocking him out the other 5 boys stabbed Mr Jefferson to Death and ran away When the police Arrived Alexander was lying on the ground knocked out still.
He was charged with Murder and Robbery the judge gave the 11-year-old Alexander a deal if he turned in his friends who were in the house with him he would spare his life. Alexander Refused. His last Meal is brought in a light stew a piece of bread and a glass of water he slow eats it over 30 minutes. Thirty minutes after he finished his last meal 2 guards come and escort him to the bath where he is forcibly washed the boy is then dried by the guards. He is left naked and shackled as the condemned in this nation die naked. He is lead back to his cell where a priest waits for him for the next 30 minutes the boy goes over his confession. The priest tells him he is forgiven and after death, he will go to heaven.

4 guards, his executioner, and the prison warden arrive the priest steps out, two of the guards step in Alexander puts his hands forward the guards unshackle his hands and turn him around and re-shackle his hands behind his back. 2 guards lead him out of the cell and stand in front of him the other 2 guards step behind him and place a hand each on his shoulders. The priest stands to his left the warden stands to his right his executioner stands in front of the front two guards.
We begin the walk to the jail's doors which lead right to the center of town. After we are through the door a crowd has formed to watch me die.

I'm lead to the gallows all 4 guards stop the executioner steps forward and grabs me by the shackles and forces me up the eight steps and pushes me on to the x mark and places the rope around my neck. The warden then reads the sentence Alexander Lee A magistrate of the Great Nation of Britannia. Has found you guilty of Murder and of robbery and sentenced you to hang by Neck until you are dead you will die by the method of Slow Strangulation hanging.

If you have any last words before your sentence is carried out. I shake my head no. the executioner pulls the lever I am lifted a foot off the ground. The crowd cheers. At first, it doesn't hurt too bad I look at the crowd I see the five boys I had been robbing homes with I smile quickly. Now the pain is getting very painful. My neck hurts, my lungs hurt, my eyes hurt. My legs are kicking my arms are pulling against the shackles I have an erection the crowd is laughing and cheering. I’m losing strength I’m no longer kicking just twitching I have my first and only ejaculation it sprays on the executioner's shoulder. My vision starts to go black. I finally pass out from the pain.

Warden point of view The poor youth finally loses consciousness still twitching his eyes slightly open they look dulled and darkened. An hour after he started hanging a doctor steps up to check for a heartbeat he hears none. The dead boy is cut down. Two professors come up and pay the executioner 50 pounds for the boy's corpse so they can dissect him for medical research in this nation the executioner owns the body and possessions of the condemned after they are dead if they have no family that stepped forward to claim it before their sentence is carried out.

 No.16519

thank you for the advice and encouragement squunch and onix i will use it to improve now back to the drawing board to try and apply this advice.



[Return][Go to top] [Catalog] [Post a Reply]
Delete Post [ ]
topgfsfurart3dcgdislitrpp2preq