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 No.15761[View All]

Tags: mf/fsnon-con crushing mashing ripping shredding destruction rape scat lolli teen (probably more to follow)

Hello sickos. I'd never done creative writing before, so thought I'd give it a try. 4 days later I've roughed out nearly 20000 words, and am pleased enough with it to upload it here.

Feedback is welcome. I'd like to know if I'm deluded, so I don't have to waste any more time on this.

If you spot any glaring errors, keep them to yourself, and hopefully no-one else will notice ;)

The general theme is a modern underground dungeon. Girls and young ladies get brutally raped, and then meet annihilation in various machines. Lots of gore and minimal plot. The format is pretty open ended, so I'll probably keep adding chapters as I go along.
292 posts omitted. [View All]

 No.17762

Wow that's good.

 No.17770

>>17762
Thanks!

 No.17771

>>17752
Good point, well made sir.
Wait - I thought this was my room?
And anyway, I don't think I wanna be alone in a room with that one, I wouldn't feel safe…

 No.17772

>>17762
Any parts in particular that worked for you?

 No.17777

>>17637

If you were referring to the little Amy stabbed while raped… yeah, I appreciated. Too young for my taste but you can't have everything in life!

 No.17779

>>17777
Well, I wasn't thinking of that lol. In fact I didn't plan that part, it just happened. It was a plot device really, so Bob could get rid of her quickly, otherwise it would have got in the way of subsequent events.

And I'd always planned for the young sisters to be killed off first, because they were innocent… (poor things!)

TBH I can't remember what I was thinking of that you'd like, but maybe some stuff in chapters 19 + 20 will be more to your taste.

And yeah, Amy's a bit young, but a reader suggested that character, so I don't mind. Actually, If you read between the lines, she's a bit young for Bob too!

If I re-write this story, I might make all the characters at least teens, and maybe over 18. But since I've started including younger victims, there doesn't seem to be much point changing now. I doubt if there'll be any as young as Amy or Maisie again though. The next batch of girls will be in their 20's (more reader suggestions!). Probably chapter 20.

 No.17874

Chapter 17! Wow! Excellent! Thank you

 No.17876

>>17874
Thanks Squishy! Thought you'd probably like it. :)

I thought it could have been a bit better though. I forgot to put in the part about Christi's spleen squirting from her nose, and I should have written that part from her perspective, with her sister getting squished and dying on top of her. Also the part with Amy getting splatted under the dropping weight could have had a bit more 'visual' detail. I'll fix those things in the re-write though lol.

I'll probably get chapter 18 up this weekend, two more Bitches bite the dust (each death worst than the last lol). Then in Ch. 19 there will be a death match between the 'winner' and Kasia. Ch. 20 will introduce the next batch of victims.

Also there is a new subplot (or is it the main plot?) developing starting in ch. 18 too, just in case anyone is thinking things are getting a bit predictable…

I'm also thinking up new devices, so I'll need more victims.

So ladies, do send me all your personal details, photos, telephone no., home address, credit card no, etc, (or those of your little sister) /jk, and I'll get things rolling for you. :D

 No.17878

I've had some incredibly busy days, so I'm kinda late to the party. Well done with the latest chapter! I was going to give you some critique but then you did it yourself, writing pretty much exactly what I was going to comment. I'll sum my thoughts up for you though.

I too missed more details about what was going on in Christi's head during her last moments, being in pure, hopeless agony with her naked sister on top of her. The last thing the poor girl experienced was her sister pissing, shitting and spilling her guts in her face along with her own excruciating pain. I think that part could be fleshed out a bit more.

The chapter as a whole is still really good. The hunt is exciting to read, especially the part where Lauren tries to negotiate for her sisters' lives. The rape was a bit too quick for my tastes though. A standard rape is boring in this context, but I think Bob could have hurt her a little more, maybe sacrificed a breast for each of her sisters, idk.

To summarize this is excellent writing per usual, but some parts are a little bare and could use some more detail. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

 No.17879

>>17878

Thaks, Loke, I was happy with it when I wrote it, so I posted it. Only afterwards did I start to have doubts. I must force myself to wait a couple of days before posting in future, and not be so impatient.

Totally agree with you about Lauren's rape. I noticed that when proof reading, and thought "oh I need to add to that," but somehow forgot, so you guys got stuck with a placeholder for the actual writing. Like the idea for her titties to get sliced off too.

Agree with you about everything TBH. What I find remarkable, is that this is the first negative critique the story has had. receiving it makes me strangely happy TBH, I was starting to think that people were just being too kind to tell me it sucked!

 No.17880

Another thing that gave me pause, was writing that short story about the girl drinking acid (which I deleted - there's a thread about that if you missed it).

I spent proportionally way more time on that (it's only about 900+ words) and the quality of the writing is much better. I haven't posted the latest version yet, still waiting for stuff to happen over at FetNoir.

So it made me realise that maybe I'm getting a bit sloppy, and I should put the same effort into this one.

 No.17881

Hmm… My little sister eh? Well, truth be told despite being older I am most certainly the little one. What you do with that information is entirely up to you of course.

 No.17882

>>17881
Well I've just written 'SISTER' on the wall with a circle around it, next to a map of the Carribean I've pinned there. Other than that, I don't see how it helps anything.

Oh wait! You mean for the story. I'm not sure how knowing you have a big lumbering oaf of a sister IRL helps that either. Maybe you'd like to suggest a character based on her?

 No.17883

I've decided to fix ch. 17 and re-upload it this weekend. Obvs that means ch. 18 will be delayed a bit, depending on my energy levels. So if you're reading this, and haven't read ch. 17 yet, probably don't bother. I'll leave it up for the time being though.

 No.17938

Sorry sorry peeps. I've gotten distracted writing another story for my muse over at FetNoir. It involves a steamroller too, so I don't want to confuse myself by writing that, and fixing another story about rollers here too. Once that's out of the way I'll come back and normal(ish) service will be resumed. Thankyou for your understanding.

 No.17950

>>17938 Good things come to those who wait, don't they? I hope so at least. No worries though, take your time.

 No.17952

>>17950
Don't worry, I haven't abandoned you all. But there's a young lady over there who's biggest fantasy is being run over by a steamroller. Also has a thing for being fed into meat grinders, toes first. She practically threw herself at me, so what's a guy to do? I'll probably do series of short stories there, if she's happy with that.

Obviously, I'll be dividing my writing time. We'll see how it plays out.

 No.17973

>>But there's a young lady over there who's biggest fantasy is being run over by a steamroller

I don't blame you for prioritizing that young girl over us sweaty neckbeards!

 No.17974

>>17973
I'll tell Sol you called her that!

 No.17982

>>17974

I see; traded me out for a younger, more steamroller friendly model eh? Well, that's ok I didn't want to have my insides pulped and pushed out of my orifices anyway.

 No.17983

>>17982
It's just a fling Sol, she means nothing to me I swear… You're still my favourite stalkee!

 No.17984

>>17982
>I see; traded me out for a younger, more steamroller friendly model eh? Well, that's ok I didn't want to have my insides pulped and pushed out of my orifices anyway.

Well, you were all for it before, just sounds like sour grapes now.

 No.17985

Anyway it's too late to back out from the gruesome fate that awaits you. You're gonna be squirting entrails before you know it, whether you want to or not. Or at least your character is. I have something much nastier in mind for you, just as soon as I've finished drawing on the walls etc. At least that other girl has the decency to tell me her home town, and send multiple pics of herself.

 No.17991

Squunch, do you take requests for character deaths? Because I'd love to be written into one of your chapters :)

 No.17992

>>17991
Oh! fresh blood!

Hi Kari! Sure! I expect I can squeeze another one in!

 No.17996

Awesome :) if you want a character description, I'm in my early 20s, short and slender with brown hair and green eyes. You'd usually find me wearing a tank top, shorts, and barefoot, but I'm not too picky about what I'm wearing!

As for my death in the factory, I only have 2 requests: target my stomach, and make it very slow, painful, and gruesome :)

 No.17997

>>17996
>Awesome :) if you want a character description, I'm in my early 20s, short and slender with brown hair and green eyes. You'd usually find me wearing a tank top, shorts, and barefoot, but I'm not too picky about what I'm wearing!

If you think of anything to add, that would be cool. The more details the better. And what about personality?

>As for my death in the factory, I only have 2 requests: target my stomach, and make it very slow, painful, and gruesome :)


Yum! slow painful and gruesome are my 3 middle names!

You'll have to wait a while though, I've got a bit of a backlog atm, and haven't been writing much due to health issues. But I'll add you to the list!

 No.18001

> At least that other girl has the decency to tell me her home town, and send multiple pics of herself.
Pictures and location? You've got yourself some one special there but I'm afraid if I sent the same you'd never see me again. Not because you'd get me no but because I'm sure I'd have my internet privileges revoked. And my sunlight privileges too, at least for a little while.

 No.18002

>>18001
I think your approach is admirably prudent, Sol. There's a lot of strange people about.

 No.18020

Sure Squunch I can give you more details! C cup breasts on my slim body. My tummy is flat but not very toned. I'm friendly and bubbly, if not a bit stubborn. And I'm fairly resilient, with a strong survival instinct. Even if I've suffered grievous wounds, I'll be assessing whether or not I could still survive, and trying to barter with my tormentors for my life.

Hope that helps :)

 No.18022

>>18020
Almost a real life Julie. I propose a duel, Squunch!

 No.18023

Ha! I'm actually a huge fan of Bloodlust's work, because of how much I can identify with Julie. He wrote me into a story with her, and I think the result was pretty amazing :)

Overall, I'm not quite as resilient as Julie though, or as optimistic. Some of the wounds that she would shrug off would leave leave me panicked and clutching myself in pain.

 No.18024

>>18020
Super! I'll have a lot of fun writing about your sweet destruction!

>>18022
I'll consider it Ofix, although I had another idea for Julie too…

BTW, did you read the Tesni chapters? What did you think?

 No.18025

>>18023
Oh! You are that Kari! Good story, I loved the multiple mechanic stab. Terminator would be less resilient than Julie so the comparison does not hold

>>18024
I had already read your whole story but in doubt I re-read those chapters. I really feared for poor and innocent Kasie, very good rape scenes and as usual a little too much gore for me but this we have already established in the past.

Great writing as always, it doesn't surprise me that that character caught the attention of Bloodlust

 No.18028

>>18025
Wait! That post is in absolutely perfect English! What's going on here?
:p :)

Thanks for your comments Ofix, appreciated!

I'm going to check the bloodlust's Kari story, …for research…

 No.18029

Yeah, Kari was in the Escape Room story.

 No.18032

>>18029
Yep searched it. Turns out I've read it already (think I've read all your stuff tbh), great story!

I think I Julie and Kari might be meeting again, duel or not…

 No.18689

I hope all is well with you my friend

 No.18712

I'm still alive.

 No.18728

Two very POSITIVE aspects I'd like to point out.

a) PACING
- It's quite common for people with interesting ideas to rush some scenes too much. Not you. :) You took time with the details, it was almost like re-watching one's favorite action scene in slow motion.

b) sex AND gore
Far too many art pieces in this genre are overly focused on the bloody bits while forgetting it's main purpose is to be sexual as well. A simple example of what I mean - you read a decapitation story where the victim is beheaded. And… that's it. No one fucks the body, no one even enjoys him/herself while watching, nothing.

I wish more stories had the attention to detail and also still kept things spicy as yours did! :)

 No.18729

Thanks, STB! I'll be getting back into it again soon…

 No.18996

Im not saying the wait is killing me
but I feel like im in one of those machines rn

 No.19171

Do he live?

 No.19172


 No.19179


 No.19265

>>19171

no i dieded

 No.19287


 No.19289

>>19265
RIP u fucking beyblade

 No.19493

>>19265
need MOAR
You can't die yet

 No.19494

>>19265
Have you dieded to death? :-O



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