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 No.11398[Reply]

Dick Girl Incest, Impregnation and Snuff
A Dick Girls of Gahoul Story
Herm, inc, preg, snuff, implied can

Pixie and Trixie were twins. Identicle twins basically. But everyone on Gahoul was identicle with their line. Pixie and Trixie were Snowflakes; one of the four races of dickgirl on their planet. All the dickgirls were beautiful, large tits, tight pussies, and above that, a nice big cock.
Now the four races cooperated most of the time, but when it came mating time each month, they hunted down and fucked each other. And the sex always ended up with a pregnancy.
So Pixie and Trixie were identicle, but they were also twins. They had shared a womb together, which made them sisters.
It was almost mating time, and the two had a very kinky plan.
"Damn, you look hot, Pixie."
"Thanks Trixie, you look good enough to eat."
Trixie giggled at the double entendre.
"Come here you little slut," said Pixie, bending over.
Trixie looked at the sight of her sisters wet pussy, with its large cock and balls hanging in front of it, and quickly made her way behind her sister. Sliding in her own hefty cock, she inserted her tongue in the hole behing Pixies neck and down to her honeypot.
"Hey," protested Pixie, "You weren't supposed to do that!" But since her sisters cock was balls deep in her, she wasn't able to move or resist.
Trixie, for her part, was just enjoying the fun. Slowly grinding her cock in her sister, she drank her fill of honey. Dickgirls can only drink a little bit at a time, to prevent them from gaining too much, or losing too much when they were fucked.
"Sorry, it just tastes so good. Besides, it's not like you won't get it back."
"Yeah...pant...I guess...pant...your right." Pixie was close to having her own orgasm from feeing her sisters cock in her. The thought of her getting pregnant by her own sister was so taboo that it had them both close to orgasm.
"Oh yeah sis, gonna knock you up good. You're gonna have my baby."
"Oh goddess, yes! Do it! Knock me up with your little incest baby!"
Suddenly Trixie stiffened and buried her cock balls deep in her sister. Holding her hips tight to keep her buried to the hilt, she shot her load deep in her sister.
"Here's your baby sis! I'm knocking you up right now!"
"It's so hot, I can feel your cum in my pussy! God I love this feeling!" Pixie came hard feeling her sister knock her up, shooting hePost too long. Click here to view the full text.


 No.11368[Reply]

"Her name was Faith. Her ass was red. So was her face.
Her wrists were bound to her opposing elbows in a straight jacket. What else. Oh. And her tits were small, but her nipples. Jeeze. Big and long."

"The one with holes for her breasts, that one?"

"Yeah except this time, dig this, they were that small. She was flat chested, I mean the boob fat was there... barely. We decided to tie her nipples."

"Her fault for not having boobs. So what did they do before you showed up, with her ass like that."

"Well, they spanked her. A lot. But they saved her for me to rape."

"Really?"

"That wasn't originally their intention, ha, no. No, it cost me quite some rounds. But you know them, more about the process of inflicting pain than anything. Psycho cultists. I just enjoy being alive!" The 2 men laughed, along with various consorts, though one was a naked young blobde girl forced to laugh.

"Call it what you will. You know sadism is the point."

The redhead girl they were sitting on cried. "Please sir. - ow....." She was interrupted by a single spank. Her own ass was red, not from spankings. Red from blood, it had many needles poking out of it. Her bottom had become a pin cushion.

 No.11374

Her ass shook. Her whole body shook. Her arms gave in and she fell. The man sitting on neck stood up, pressing his boot into her neck, especially throat side. The other man, who was still sitting on her lowerback, presses a cigar into her anus. She screamed. Her feet pounded the floor.

"PLEASE PLEASE SIR I'M SORRY AHHHH OH I'M SOK SORRR EE WAAHHAAA!" She was met with another spank to the side of her ass, needles bouncing inside of her. Her backhalf fell to the ground as well. The man sitting on her squat in place for a moment then forcefully slammed his ass on her tailbone.
"OWWWwwW" She howled.

She was the only one fully naked, save for the blonde girl she didn't see, and thought she was the only one there to suffer, not realizing the laughter of one girl was forced.

"Start the stove." The man with his foot on the girl's throat commanded the other nude girl.

"Stove?!" The redhead instantly imagined herself being cooked. "NOOO! GOD NOO PLEASE NOO NOO NOOO OH NOO HOO HOOOHHH!" Her screaming ans shouting melted into sobbing cries "OHHH oh nooo noo!"


The blonde walked through a set of double doors, and for the first time crossed the view of the redhead being stepped on. Her ass was also red, but only from spankings, though probably with tools.

"Carry her." He stepped off from her throat and 4 other women, even prettier than the hot redhead, each grabbed either a wrist and elbow or a knee and ankle. The girl thought her limbs were going to snap and she was right.



 No.11370[Reply]

Just a short moment ago, he was at the bar, alone. Pounding back his own pathetic sorrows with vodka and gin, ever ashamed of his inability to ever find the right person and have sex. His friends teased him back at the university: “virgin.” Which, ordinarily would not have bothered the man much, but he was quickly on the path to twenty-four and he was ever aware of his age combined with his lack of experience.

Lucas Ledford, known to his friends as Luke, wasn’t exactly unattractive. He had an uncontrolled brown mop for a hairdo and didn’t put much effort into his wardrobe, but he had strong features. Dazzling blue eyes, a boyish upturned nose, and full lips lightly surrounded by little blonde whiskers. It took him awhile for puberty to really set in (his voice only just broke at seventeen) but his looks were starting to settle in. Unfortunately for the young man, he was also rather short at only 5’7” – and his tiny dick didn’t help matters much.

One could imagine his surprise, then, when someone came on to him that night. Luke could have sworn he had hit the jackpot. A woman approached him at the bar, a beautiful woman, that bought him drink after drink after drink. She had the most dazzling features – crystal-like blue eyes, gorgeous black hair, the most luscious lips imaginable, and the most perfect body form he’d ever seen. This woman was older, for sure, and he thought that maybe that was why she refused to tell him her name. But the youth was ever so turned on by this woman’s charm (and the drinks were helping, too) that he couldn’t resist asking her to follow him to his apartment. She accepted.

Now, here they were, her smiling at him teasingly as he stripped down to his Hanes white briefs. He was worried that that might turn her off – after all, most of the guys his age had “graduated” to something higher than the most basic of basic. But the woman rose from her seat on the bed and gently placed her hand on the cloth that just barely protected his privates. He was slightly embarrassed at the wet precum that soaked through his briefs instantly as she touched him.

“Luke,” she whispered into his ear, nibbling a little bit at the lobe. The young man moaned as his lips parted in a delicate smile. That was the first time anyone had said his name right – such delicate desire, copious amounts of sensuality that was enough to give him a permanent hardon. “Luke,” whispered the woman again, her hand slightly bendingPost too long. Click here to view the full text.


 No.9680[Reply]

Liv walked away from the reception desk and down the hall toward Suite 1056 - per her instructions - while absent-mindedly rubbing her arm just below the shoulder where she'd received the injection a moment earlier. Her raven black hair flowed unrestrained, tucked behind her fair, white ears, and slightly lifted by her gait.

Not long ago, she wouldn't have expected to be doing this. Back when cannibalism was first legalised nation-wide, about a decade ago, it was all the rage for young people to go off to the butcher. Any occasion worth celebrating would have a feast, courtesy of a friend or family member, or sometimes just a person who'd done it for the experience. Now, though, with most of the willing population gone, and meat demand supplied by prisons, there weren't a lot of people doing it any more.

Liv had made up her mind about a month ago. Her boyfriend's birthday would be tomorrow, and having been stuck in constant unemployment for the last 8 months left her at a loss for the funds to buy something she considered suitably extravagant. Then she'd seen an internet post detailing someone's DIY roasting of their teenage daughter. The recipe and final product had looked delicious, and seeing it convinced her of her course of action. However, she wasn't going to be able to cook herself, and her boyfriend was far from competent in the kitchen, so she'd called the meat processing plant just out of town to ask if they'd do a custom order for cheap if the meat was supplied. They'd graciously complied.

And now, here she was, walking to the hall to - the nice older lady at the front desk told her - be gutted, before heading out to the kitchen. The injection she'd been given acted as a pain-killer and inhibited her body's natural tendency to repair wounds in order to ensure she'd remain alive and fresh for as long as possible. Already, she could feel a pleasntly light sensation creeping up from her extremities.

Reaching the end of the long front hallway, Liv looked to her right to see the room she was looking for; a painted steel door with a thin, frosted-over window like all the rest. Straight ahead of her in the hall were the large, stainless-steel double doors that lead, industrial kitchen - she could hear the muffled whirring of dozens of machines, the bustle of factory workers, and the hiss of steam from just beyond. Not to long from now, she'd be in there, to be handled and fire-roasted. Just a big piece of meat.

She tuPost too long. Click here to view the full text.
3 posts omitted. Click reply to view.

 No.9692

I for one would love to see more of this. Consensual's always fun, and I like the twist on the "gutting and cooking" thing where she's living through the disembowelment and taking more of an interest in it.

 No.9727

This is great dude! You should definitely write more.

 No.9745

>>9688
Random thought; what if as she nears the kitchens, Liv finds herself grabbed from behind; it turns out activists opposed to legalized cannibalization have taken it upon themselves to raid the facility and "rescue" as many people as they can.

Of course they discover Liv's state of being, and fit her up with some (detachable) artificial organs. This allows her to both survive, and get into some rather kinky organ-play with a fellow survivor whom she falls in love with.

Unfortunately, the government hits back at the activist group in the craftiest way; locking down the city they're hiding in, and closing up every grocery store. Seeing the group faced with starvation, Liv and her lover offer themselves to the group, realizing they were slated for death anyway. The group cooks and eats them as they share one last fuck.

 No.9747

Great story!

 No.11345

>>9680
bump for continuation?



 No.11305[Reply]

New to guro fiction, experimenting with flash fiction (1000 words or less.) Feel free to leave a comment/feedback

***

Wet slaps punctuated the silence of the chamber, mingling with the sobs of the naked bitch beneath him.

"Quit your whimpering, cunt. You're dead no matter how much crying you do."

Kimiko, the whimpering cunt, was bound to the guillotine, on her knees, head and hands thrust through a stockade above which a wide steel blade hung ominously overhead. Her body shuddered with each thrust of his hard dick and her yellow skin was slick with perspiration. He grabbed a handful of her plump ass, reveling in the way her flesh quivered and bounced from his pounding.

He peeked over the stockade at the tripod-mounted camera. The lens was angled downward at her face to capture every moment of her anguish in high-definition. There were no spectators on the other end; only after he was finished would his fans get to enjoy the footage. The guillotine's trigger was connected to the nerve on the underside of his dick and he had been teaming her hole for close to a half-hour. He'd have to do a bit of editing.

"Don't worry," he said. "I'm almost done."

"Please..." she whimpered. "Let me free. I won't tell a soul. Please..."

"It's a little late for that, you dumb bitch. Be a quiet fucktoy, would you kindly?"

Fresh sobs wracked her but despite her crying, her cunt was soaked through. "Enjoying this, huh? If you're lucky, maybe you'll cum."

He picked up the pace of his thrusts, snaked his hand between her legs. She coated his fingers in a slippery cream and as he rubbed her swollen little nub, fresh secretions trickled from her hole.

For the longest minute of her sorry life, he pounded her, until her asshole clenched around his dick. His length swelled to its full girth, a thick load gathering in his head. With a harsh growl, he pumped her full of hot, sticky ropes. The blade fell just as the second spurt splattered against her anal cavity, severing her head from her body in a violent spurt of blood. The stump of her neck sprayed the wall with a crimson splatter and the headless corpse shuddered from post-mortem throes. He felt her cunt clench around his fingers as she gushed and it wasn't long before cum have way to warm, salty piss. He stayed inside of her, to enjoy her body's last quavers before he pulled out, smearing his glistening head againPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

 No.11308

I love it, I love how he told her to shut up, she doesn't matter to him, only getting himself off does, I'd love to read about some more of his victims

 No.11312

Hey, im a new to writing in general, i was wondering about a few of the choices you made while writing this. Email me if i can pick your brain. Thanks.



 No.10877[Reply]

This is a commission of mine which is a parody of a well-known daytime television. Perry Signer had a fantastic idea for getting the ratings of his show up, he was going to snuff eight porn stars on television.
12 posts omitted. Click reply to view.

 No.11157

Very nice concept.
I can't say I liked all the victims, but I did enjoy the detail of the snuffing procedures :)

 No.11174

Any chance of a follow up with Mary, from chapter 7?

 No.11179

>>11174
Not so far. I've finished the draft of the sequel, but it focuses on eight more porn stars (as the commissioner's request).

 No.11192

This is absolutely amazing.

A real tour-de-gore and sexy crawl through debauchery and mayhem. Complete with a few side-entanglements that really bring it to life.

Great work t'Sade!

Cheers,
Bill

 No.11212

Chapter 11: Ratings

A week later, Perry sat in a chair in front of the producer, John Gray. "So, do you have it?"

"I have six lawsuits going on and an FCC investigation. That is what I have," snapped the older man. He was sweating and kept reaching for a folder on his desk before pulling away.

"Yeah, but they still let it air."

"They let it because I had to bribe someone a million dollars to put it on the feed. Most of the show got cut off at the stations though."

Perry shrugged and sipped his coffee. "Yeah, but you had pay-per-view sites up and running. You were thinking about moving the show to the Internet anyways. Screw the FCC."

The producer sighed. "Yeah."

"So do you have it?"

"You cost me a lot of money."

With a smile, Perry shrugged. "Really? How much in advertising have you gotten?"

John looked away for a moment. He worked his jaw for a moment. "Fifteen million yesterday. I have close to a hundred million from this week alone."

"So ten million goes to the lawsuits, who cares. Now the question is, do you have the ratings?"

Reluctantly, the man pulled out a pad of paper and pushed it over.

Perry grabbed it and looked for his show. It was the first item on the page. Ninety-eight percent market share. He had the highest number of viewers ever. He set it down and smiled. "Let me tell you about the next one...."

The End



 No.11193[Reply]

Milked and Harvested - A Vespah Story

A boy's sister grows tired of his incessant erections, and his subsequent requests for relief from them by her hand. So, she Vespahs (Vortex Extracted Semen and Penis Automatic Harvester) him. Just how long can he and his manhood last, under the relentless machine's draining influence, before it takes everything from him..

1 - The Final Straw

 "Ah, sis? S-sorry to interrupt you, but do you suppose that you could..?" James asked, his voice a bit tentative.

 Julie, who was relaxing comfortably on the living room couch, laying out along its length with her shoulders and head propped up on one armrest, looked away from her book and up to her brother. She arched an eyebrow when she saw him, standing before her with his shorts around his ankles, and with his penis, quite rampantly erect, pointed almost directly at her. His hopeful expression faded a bit when Julie's eyes narrowed as she regarded both him and his erection.

 "I took care of you this morning, James." Julie replied, her brows coming together in a mild frown. "It's mom's turn now. Go ask her."

 "I.. I know, and I did." James replied, biting his lip a little and looking worried at his sister's darkening expression. "She's busy making dinner, and said she didn't have time to do both before she had to leave for work."

 Julie's frown deepened as she looked down from her brother's face to his tumescent cock, and she didn't immediately reply.

 "I know it's a bother, and I'm sorry to have to ask, but I really need your help." James said, his face and his tone of voice becoming a bit pleading.

 "Please?" he asked, practically begging, while dipping and raising his body a little. This made his penis bobble up and down at her, in what he obviously thought might be an inviting manner.

 Julie's expression turned a little sour, then she sniffed dismissively at her brother and rolled her eyes up towards the ceiling, in apparent exasperation.

 "Oh, very well." she finally agreed, sighing and shifting her book to her left hand. "I suppose we can't have you running around in such a state. Who knows what sort of trouble you might get into."

 "Jeez, thanks a bunch, sis!" James said, beaming a relieved grin down at her.

 He stepped forward to stand next to his sister, thrusting his erect Post too long. Click here to view the full text.

 No.11194

5 - Learning about Vespah

 James, who had lost count of the number of times Vespah had had her way with him the afternoon and evening before, awoke the next morning to the sensation of his penis being, yet again, milked by the seemingly tireless device. The incessant machine forced its pleasure upon his flesh, then drew all it could out of his body, and left him limp, in more than one sense, shaking, and feeling quite weak.

 He had begun to recover from his most recent milking, and had started contemplating what the rest of the day might be like, when his sister and a stranger entered his room.

 "He's in this room." Julie said, not bothering to knock before she came in, over her shoulder to the visitor.

 The stranger turned out to be another woman, or perhaps girl, as she appeared to be only a scant few years older than his own sister, wearing light shoes, khaki short shorts, and a polo shirt bearing the colors and logo of the box Vespah had come in. She was carrying a small nylon work bag, which was open at the top and apparently full of miscellaneous tools and parts.

 "Oh, good. I see you've already got it set up and installed on him." the girl said, without bothering to introduce herself, or even give James more than a passing glance, before she peered down at the device strapped to his manhood. "Let me just give it a quick once over, to make sure it's securely attached, and that the fit is right."

 Without asking permission, she sat down on the edge of James' bed, and began pulling and tugging on the Vespah, peering intently down at it.

 "W-what's going on? Julie, who IS this?" James asked, his voice a bit squeaky in shock, as he tried to squirm away from the strange girl poking around on his groin.

 "Hold still, boy." The woman said, sternly, as she batted James' feeble attempts to cover himself up with his hands aside. "I can't work with you squirming around like that."

 "James, this is Lucy. She's our Vespah.. ah, representative?" Julie said, ending her introduction with a questioning glance at the other girl.

 "Technician." Lucy corrected, absently, as she took hold of James' mesh covered penis, flipped it up on his stomach, and began fiddling with the now exposed phial and battery.

 "Okay, everything looks good here." she said, as she detached the phial, which was nearly fulPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

 No.11195

8 - Final Collection

 James awoke the next morning to pain. The sheer volume of it, which spiked up even higher whenever he moved, confused his sleep muddled brain for a few moments, before he remembered just why he hurt so much in the first place.

 Slowly, with mounting dread, he pulled back his covers, which he didn't remember pulling over himself before he had passed out the night before, to look at his groin. Right up until he saw the empty spot where his manhood should have been, he had hoped, despite the pain radiating up from it, that his crotch was okay. That it had all been just a dream, or a nightmare, or something.

 Unfortunately, it had not been a dream. The nightmare was all too real, and his cock and balls, so precious to him, were gone.

 It took him nearly an hour, moving slowly to prevent the pain from overwhelming him, to get off his bed, shuffle across the floor, while avoiding the smashed remains of his chair, and open the door to his room. He had tried to get dressed, but the pain, while he fumbled slowly and clumsily with his clothes, had been simply too much. So, still quite naked, he left his room. He walked, with tiny, careful steps, along the hallway wall, grateful for whatever extra support it could provide him, and made his way to the kitchen and dining room.

 His sister, dressed in her usual casual and revealing weekend clothes, sat at the table, munching her way through a bowl of cereal, when he entered the dining room. She watched, smirking slightly and saying nothing, as he made his slow, painful way over to the refrigerator.

 When he opened the fridge, gulping in apprehension as he did so, his manhood, still bound within the Vespah, was revealed. It sat between the carton of eggs and the half empty jug of milk, the gleaming steel of the machine encasing his cock looking rather out of place among all the food, with his testicles hanging sadly to one side. The small amount of his severed flesh he could see had all turned rather blue, and looked very cold.

 Tentatively, he reached out for it and withdrew it from the fridge. Holding it carefully, he looked down on his severed male parts, feeling deep, almost unidentifiable swells of loss and sadness welling up and roiling around inside of his chest and guts. With his eyes watering, and his bottom lip trembling, he turned to his sister. Whatever he was going to say to hPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

 No.11200

Not actually a kink of mine, but damn! Very well done.

That sister is a dirty minx.

 No.11207

Thank you, and yes, I had a lot of fun with Julie's character.



 No.11172[Reply]

On John's browser there was a new message from one of the ads that he had posted on those internet classifieds. These ads were for an adult modeling gig, placed in various cities, not his own. It read,

Hello sir, my name is Amy Beth, and I am interested in the modeling gig. I actually live in a small town about 60 miles from Miami. Attached are some pictures of me. I hope this will be just the thing I need to get out of this nowhere town and on my way to becoming a star.

The attached pictures were of a blonde girl with a baby doll face, smallish breasts, and a bit of a butt. John liked what he saw, and thought to himself, this was going to be fun. He immediately began planning his trip to Florida.


John opened his laptop to reply to Amy.
I'll be flying in to Miami tonight. I hope you’re ready for filming tomorrow. I've rented a location for the shoot. Its an old warehouse, I'm attaching a map so you know where it is. See you tomorrow.
He sent the message off into the void of the internet, before closing the laptop. He laid back in the motel bed, anticipating the events of the next day.
Though he told Amy that he was flying in tonight, in reality, he had been in town for the better part of a month, scouting out locations, buying and assembling his equipment. The last thing to do was to book his train back home, before the fun began.


Amy Beth opened the email from the man that she hoped would help propel her to stardom. She couldn’t help but feel excited and nervous at the same time. She loved sex, so much so, that she wouldn’t keep a high school boyfriend, moving on to the next guy once she was bored. She had never been filmed before, and that was, she assumed, the source of the butterflies in her stomach. John had been telling her that this would be a BDSM shoot, and that the genre was gaining traction in the industry due to a certain series of books and film. She had tried being tied up before, and rather enjoyed it. This was going to be a breeze.


It was still dark out when John arrived at the abandoned warehouse. Checking his watch, it looked like he had a few hours until Amy was to arrive. He spent the time adjusting lights, testing the AV equipment, and generally making sure he got everything the way he wanted it.

The time flew by for John, and before he knew it, there was a knock from the outside. Well shit, he thought, was it that time already? He opened thePost too long. Click here to view the full text.

 No.11181

I'd like to thank Astrid P. and others for helping me write this story. This was my first real attempt at writing, I hope its guro enough for you all. Feedback is welcomed and encouraged, as I would like to improve myself.



 No.10999[Reply]

My first attempt at writing a snuff story. Not good I know, but would love some feedback still.

Arya of House Stark confidently strode into the great hall, flanked by two soldiers. the dim lights and crackling fire creating an oddly eerie atmosphere. The walls were lined with armed guards, towering over the significantly smaller girl. Not that Arya was worried, even if worst came to worst she was confident in her abilities to protect herself. There was nobody more lethal with a dagger than herself.

Not that there was anything to worry about of course.

Moving without a sound, light on her feet just as the faceless men had taught her, she stepped into the center. Walking quietly was just one of many skills the young assassin now commanded. Others were stealth and acting. Both of which had served her well in uncovering Littlefinger's ploys and schemes.

Littlefinger...Arya had last seen him in Harrenhal conspiring with Tywin Lannister against her brother Robb during the war of the five kings. She knew this man could not be trusted and had secretly shared her views and ideas with Sansa. She had agreed. Littlefinger was a vicious, small, spiteful man who was nothing but a nuisance. So together the Stark sisters had played a little game, tricking and teasing Littlefingers, uncovering his true intentions.

Even this supposed arrest was nothing but a farce, the two sisters keen to prolong their little fun game for as long as they pleased before getting rid of him. The plan was clear, make it appear like Arya was the one being charged before catching Littlefinger unawares and turning the tables on him. Of course, they could arrested him right away instead, but the sisters were intent on giving him as little preparation time as possible. So if he was arrested beforehand he likely might come up with some annoying scheme. No, better catch him by surprise, Arya was looking forward to see his glorious expression once reality dawned on the traitor from the Vale.

Barely able to restrain her gloating, having to try very hard to maintain her facade Arya folded her hands behind her lower back, grey eyes wandering between the flanking soldiers before briefly darting towards Littlefinger standing in the corner, and finally settling on her siblings seated at the high table.

Sansa took a breath, Arya feeling a rush of excitement flooding her as her elder sister took the word. "You stand accused ofPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

 No.11081

I like it! Short and straight to the point. Nice twist on the show's events, and, in some ways, it's a change for the better. I still can't believe how the later seasons of GOT turned Baelish into a shadow of his former self. Littlefinger I used to know would get the fuck out of Winterfell at the first mention of "Chaos is a ladder".

Canonically, there would probably be no post-mortem rape (faceless man or not, Arya was still nobility and someone Sansa was struggling to love throughout the season, I don't think she'd allow, let alone encourage such defilement), but hey, we're in Gurochan, so it's just a minor remark, not criticism.

Since you wanted feedback ( / critique?), here are a few points. But these don't mean that the story wasn't enjoyable, by any means! It definitely was.

* There are a few places in the text that would benefit from proofreading, i.e. Ctrl+F "the dim lights": a sentence starting with a capital letter, and one that isn't a grammatically correct standalone sentence (was it meant to be a comma there?). Same with "Littlefingers" in one instance. Also, I believe "War of the Five Kings" is written this way in-universe canonically, c.f. "World War II". And "they could arrested" should be "could have arrested" (and I believe there was one more such issue somewhere in the text that I can't find now). And "Every pair of seemed to stare her down" misses "eyes".

* Some occasional minor issues with the "flow" of the text. For example, "She had agreed." would work better as "Her sister had agreed.", since there are two female characters here and the abundance of "she" pronoun makes it confusing. Another thing is "Both of which had served her..." which should be a part of the previous sentence (this perhaps qualifies as a grammar thing instead of a stylistic issue, but don't quote me on that). There's also "Sansa took a breath, Arya feeling a rush of excitement" which feels... off, I think this structure works when parts of the sentence describe things that *one* person can perceive, like "Lara fell onto the floor, her leg hurting and her vision blurred". Same with "Her mind blank, no idea what to say.": this sentence consists of two of these "additional" parts but misses the main part with the actual subject and the verb. The sentence with "twisted and trembling" in it has the same issue. And "~~" has no place in proper writing.

* Speaking of style, the text sometimes jumps from a "literary"Post too long. Click here to view the full text.

 No.11175

>>11081

Oh my, thank you for that detailed response, sorry I only got back to you just now.

Yes, I'm aware that kind of thing wouldn't really be canon, but hey, like you said this is gurochan. ^^ Also, thank you for pointing the various grammar flaws. Admittedly, english isn't my first language so I barely even noticed most of them but I'll keep them in mind and improve.

Again, thank you for the detailed analysis, very much appreciated!



 No.11163[Reply]

int. hotel - hallway - night

JASON walks down the hallway until he comes to one particular door. He looks around and then knocks.

LISA
(from inside)
Come in.

He opens the door...

int. hotel - room 342 - bedchamber - night

...where the conjoined twins LOLA and LISA await him on the bed.

LOLA
Jason. What a pleasant surprise.

JASON
Doesn't sound like a surprise to me.

Lola and Lisa giggle as Jason closes the door behind him.

LISA
Oh. You can sit here.

Lisa pats the bed space beside her.

LOLA
Lisa.

LISA
Lola, it's my turn to be next to him.

LOLA
That's what you always say.

JASON
Girls, come on. Does that even matter?

Jason sits down beside the twins.

JASON
I mean, what, with you two having the same...everything?

LOLA AND LISA
Except heads and necks.

They giggle.

JASON
Right.

He giggles.

LISA
Also, most of our organs, but that's beside the point.

JASON
Uh huh. Sure.

Jason drums the bed with his fingers.

JASON
So...?

LOLA
So, what?

JASON
We've been dating for almost two years now.

LISA
And?

JASON
Eh, nothing. I was just, um...thinking out loud. I mean with the three of us in this hotel room and all.

Lola and Lisa shuffle on the bed, reaching for his pants. Jason hops back in shock.

JASON
Girls!

LISA
Oh, sorry. We just, um...

LOLA
(embarrassed)
We’ve never made love before, have we? Any of us?

JASON
Yeah, you're right. I haven't. I've... I’ve been, well, let's say--

LOLA
Saving yourself for us?

JASON
N-not you, specifically.

Lisa pinches her chin.

LISA
Oh, I get it. For that special someone whom you think completes you.

LOLA
Or in this case, someone-zuh.

JASON
Yeah.

LOLA
We've been thinking the same thing, Jason, and bingo. Here you are.

JASON
Aw, thanks.

They all pause to glean each other.

LOLA
So, how should we go about this?

JASON
Maybe we shouldn't rush into this.

LISA
I agree. We should all get aroused firPost too long. Click here to view the full text.


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