Lately, I've been delving into the causes for my fetishes and self-discipline hardships. I stumbled upon a book ( https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional/dp/161448242X
) and so far the explanations offered really match with how I feel / felt.
To confirm this link, I'll ask you, fellow gurochanners:
Have you been neglected (physically or emotionally) by your parents?
I would say that my situation is the exact opposite of neglect up to the level where I even envy those who were neglected.
I don't know what is written in that book, but I judging by your description and its name I think it may be at least by some degree incorrect.
You can't complain about your past because this is whast made you who you are now, If something was different you would be different as well and have a different kind of problems and benefits.
Sometimes I think how it would all be if my life went in a different way and I would have something that now I can only dream about but at the same time, I would not have what now is totally natural and it is hard to tell what would be better.
I believe much more important factor is not how you were treated by your parents but what relationships you had with other children and society in general. Your parents may be only important in very early childhood when you have no other friends and for setting your environment where you will be forced to live and what people you will meet.
A bad parent/neglecting parent isn't necessarily one that ignores
you. It is also one that gives you too much attention or fails to discipline you or protects you too much.
The author gives the characteristics of parents that may result in emotionally neglected children:
1. Narcissistic parent
2. Authoritarian parent3. Permissive parent
4. Bereaved parent: Divorced or widowed
5. Addicted parent (not just to drugs or alcohol)
6. Depressed parent
7. Workaholic parent
8. Parent with a special needs family member
9. Achievement or perfection focused parent
10. Sociopathic parent
11. Child as parent12. The Well-Meaning Parent
I would suggest you reading the other reviews on amazon, they're quite explanatory to this condition.
A bad parent is not same as neglecting parent because too much attention may be also bad just like neglect.
But in my situation I can say that anything of that is applicable besides the fact that my parents may be just too stupid and they don't know the rules on how they are supposed to help their children to get status along with their peers. And they may not be aware of how society works in general so they do more harm than benefit. But even that is not so critical.
I find that my biggest problem was actually lack of friends or what is even more disappointing there were no sexual encounters in my childhood of any kind.
Now I read those stories about boys being molested by their gorgeous teachers and I think dam if That happened to me, I see other people telling how they played doctor or did similar stuff, but nothing like that happened to me either.
I noticed that other people somewhat suffer from the same problem because ideal development for the introverted child is when they are forcefully put in the company with some other child (preferably opposite sex) of similar age which they cant neither avoid or escape for a considerably long time. This is the best way to build a relationship and and learn social skills. Parents are not very important in this situation. because children have to learn how to rely on each other instead of their parents and how to care for each other needs.
When you have parents who neglect you, you are forced to rely on other kids and if it happens that you find friends who are also equally neglected you build very good friendships that last for the rest of life.
When you have good parents you do not really need friends, you can spend time together and have fun but you don't need anyone.
Yeah my parents are awful. They never beat me, so they're leagues above many others... but there was some abuse I'll never have the strength or patience to talk about, and my mom is a horrible person..
>I find that my biggest problem was actually lack of friends or what is even more disappointing there were no sexual encounters in my childhood of any kind.
>Now I read those stories about boys being molested by their gorgeous teachers and I think dam if That happened to me, I see other people telling how they played doctor or did similar stuff, but nothing like that happened to me either.
Yeah, I'm in the same boat on that front. That's the most likely cause why my self-confidence was almost inexistent in high-school.
Now I've been able to build it up quite a lot through exercise and being good at university. But the effect of my deprivation from social contact with the opposite sex probably led to me feeling powerless...and in turn developed the fetish for guro. This fetish is most likely about the power to do anything to someone, the most empowering action being to take another's life. >>6118
My parents loved me unconditionally. Never disciplined or beat me either. (lol, in fact I remember in the fourth grade my mother tried to beat me once and I snapped the wooden stick she held in half).
That was a problem, because it led me to believe in this idealized version of love, where I should find a partner who would just love me like my parents did, which is silly. Pursuing this ideal, I never found anyone, because I was blind to my own flaws and never realized that my lack of attention from women was due to how I was acting, more than how I was looking.
Honestly, those kinds of books are usually a load of rubbish, exploiting the barnum effect. There's a reason why 60% of psychology studies could not be reproduced or were found to be flawed (compared to less than 10% with physics). People crave an understanding of who they are and why they are the way they are to the point where they'll believe almost anything.
Nearly everyone has parents which are not ideal. If you were to compare the number of gurochanners who had an abusive childhood with the number of non-gurochanners who had an abusive childhood, the percentage should be more or less the same.
I myself did not have abusive parents. My parents were very supportive. Not perfect, of course, but not bad. And my fetishes started since I was young enough that I was still learning how to read. You know that old "Everybody Poops" kids book? In it, there's a picture of a lion eating meat. Back when I could barely read the words, I used to imagine myself being eaten by the lion as that meat. As I grew up, I changed from masochist to sadist, but the point still applies. This was not something that slowly manifested itself from years of environmental trauma. It was just a fetish that appeared earlier than later.
Now, can abusive parents result in the formation of a sadomasochistic fetish? Perhaps. Some people harbor anger and want to take it out on others, and find catharsis in a fetish. Others feel helpless or worthless and begin to enjoy or crave masochistic activities rather than fear the feeling. Does that mean that most, or even a non-negligible amount of people with such fetishes got them due to childhood trauma? Not at all. Post hoc ergo propter hoc.
Authoritarian parent result here.
Can report exactly zero of my fetishes have any context based on parental treatment, mostly developed as expression of interest via exploring said feelings about things, though especially with guro I've always liked Gore and complicated imagery.
Sure. My childhood trauma list is as follows:
-Grew up in domestically violent house (unsure if witnessed mom being hit)
-Watched sister be choked until she nearly passed out
-Constant belittling and shaming from dad (about normal stuff like crying as a five-year-old)
-Threatened with beating and death by dad
-Abandonment by primary caretaker at age 10 (dad left post-divorce and immediately lost interest)
-Overheard mom getting beaten and raped and parents physically fighting and screaming
-Chronically ill mom telling me she was going to die all the time and forcing me to caretake and see scary shit from age 10 onwards
-Mom saying frequently I'd be happy if she was dead or wished her dead because I was selfish etc
-Constantly told by mom that my normal needs (school clothes, food, etc) were ruining her health and a huge sacrifice
-Received inappropriate information like her fucking her boyfriend as a reward for his help around the house, how she felt while having sex, that she thought about her kids while having sex
-Touched in awkward, bordering-on-sexual ways, had her try to kiss me on the lips and have me sleep in bed with her even up to age 20, despite constantly saying I didn't like it or feel comfortable
-Allowed to date a guy 11 years my senior and go spend overnights from age 11-17
-Refused to let me see a therapist for several years despite everything that happened during childhood
-All my belongings searched, read, and felt over by mom, including locked-away sex toys and diaries
-Demanded I put tracking app on my phone at age 22 so she knows where I am. Calls me every time it goes down, even at 2am.
-Threatens to call the police when I'm an hour later answering calls
-Only response to hearing that my boyfriend is beating me: "That's too bad."
-When I move home to flee the situation, lectures me about being rude to battering ex by not answering his calls
~And much, much more~
Honestly, though, I don't think this has much to do with my wimpy intestine fetish or whatever. I think that's some other kind of accidental childhood programming. It definitely has something to do with being borderline, with choosing abusive partners, with being sexually submissive and a masochist, and with masturbating from a ridiculously early age (had to calm down somehow). Potentially with being trans, but I've been happily transitioned for 8-12 years, so clearly that's not going anywhere.
Get. Out. Of. There.
You don't owe your mother or anyone shit.
If I were in your place I'd either take my life in my own hands or take my life away.
Oh, sorry, my present tense was misleading. Yeah, I got out of there and I don't speak to either of my parents or most of my family any more. It took until I was 25 to grasp that I had been abused and become physically and mentally ill enough from all this to be a shoe-in for SSI, but still :)
I tried to kill myself multiple times (put myself in a coma once) and part of moving in with abusive boyfriend was to get away from home. Turns out my sister did the same thing, but instead of running-to-batterer and suicide attempts she did running-to-batterer and heroin addiction in high school, which my mom ignored.
I'm on the healing path though. Even going no-contact has made me less crazy and miserable. Part of that is that I find it difficult to shut up about it, so apologies
And thank you.
This look like one of the stories from the /lit board I am not even sure if I should jerk off or cry. I only read that kind of stuff on asstr.org so far and it is hard to believe that it can be true :)>>6422
Well looks like she likes it if deliberately seeks abusive partners or can't get anything better so running away will not solve anything.
It is just one nice dysfunctional family.
I myself have a fantasy to get into such situation for some time too, being surrounded by abnormal people where I do not need to hold back and can do whether I want. I do not even mind getting hurt a bit if only later I can get my revenge. If my mom did something like that to me I would tie her to her bed and whip her ass very well. My abusive partner would also face some pretty horrible punishment as well. And it would not take much time to make them think twice before doing something to me.
OK Onix, I'm about to write a story for you.
I mean, I haven't actually had sex with my mom. It's more like getting forcefully hit on by someone who grosses you out, and they say "Don't make it weird!" every time you ask them to stop.
I guess I just dated people who reminded me of my dad and made me feel secure that they liked me. The only way I could grok before that is if they were extremely controlling. And I have shitty self-esteem and I'm afraid of being alone so for a long time I preferred trying to patch things up with someone who was beating me. My current partner is very nice.
Good to hear that you found someone nice.
I think it is not so much about them reminding your father as it is about fact that abusers pay you for the abuse by being nice for some time.
While normal guys who do not bother to do acting will rarely show you that amount and attention and love even if they love you much more.
being controlled is your payment for all that fake love and security.
Was your mother that ugly to gross you out? I actually do not see any reason why this should be unpleasant besides being very shy to do that with your mother. She probably was still pretty young and good looking at that time
I hardly can imagine if someone could be that terrible to gross me out if they offer free sex where they also take initiative.
I hope you're trolling, Onix.
But there are people like you('re pretending to be) so I'll shoot this.
Just because someone is hot doesn't mean everyone wants to fuck them. That's just if it's someone as hot as me or thirsty as you (I swear we're 2 cardinal sins... Lust and Pride).
But wait hold up... why assume her mom is young and hot? Like, normies and most deviants like us don't dig incest but even if you do, that's an odd conclusion that this random woman is young and attractive (and moms gross me out sorry ladies).
My dad died when I was 5, and I was child #6.
Yeah, you could say there was some neglect. My mom worked two jobs to pay the bills and still ended up eye-ball deep in debt. Not enough time, not enough resources, not enough anything.
Dunno if it has anything to do with my fetishes, though.
Well, for you to be disgusted by incest or even understand it you need to be indoctrinated that way or be raised in the family where parents are disgusted by that too. When you grow in such a dysfunctional family seeing people have sex from the young age you should get used to the casual sex idea and do it with anyone anytime who can make you feel good.
As from my own experience, I remember that I had no clue of what is happening at that young age. You play with your genitals and do not even understand that you are masturbating or that it has anything to do with sex. It just feels good and you experiment in different ways how to do it better. (although I knew that my mother will not like what I do and thus I have to do it in secret)
Now am just upset that I learned that a bit late and that I had no girls or women in my childhood to have fun.
Also now I like incest and other similar relationships like childhood friends not because of some taboo thing but because it is practically only one time when you can be yourself, instead of constantly acting. You know that you have real unconditional love and you can do anything without fear that she will leave. Also, it is not a lust-based relationship but more like "let's have fun together."
Nah, I went for like...emotionally unavailable abuser. My first real boyfriend also physically hurt me but he was also borderline and I swore I'd never date another, lol.
My mom is...fine and I actually don't have an aversion to incest, although I think parent/child is always morally iffy and obviously child molestation is terrible. I had a crush on my older brother for quite some time and I told him once, drunk at 23, after I'd gotten over it. He was nice about it.
I don't want to fuck my mom because I don't like women for the most part and she emotionally abused me for years. It was like being locked in a small room with someone whose only wish is to learn all your secrets and see you anxious and insecure, for 7+ years. After being raised by my dad, who was at least jovial and didn't care about much other than that you did what he said, I ended up hating her guts.
I was always everyone's plushie and punching bag. No right to my own body.
Imagine always feeling like there's a big sloppy ugly evil dude making out with you against your will. Like you try to move away but the feeling that's about lick your neck again is inescapable. Like your ass is always about to randomly be grabbed.
I'm so fucking destroyed. I always want to vomit. I hardly don't want to die and I try so hard to focus on the good...
I think childhood can cause new fetishes as a coping mechanism.
I was bullied and humiliated in school, because I was a half-blood (monoethnic country you see). That resulted in me enjoying humiliation.
My parents were toxic. There was violence, alcohol, huge expectations, fear and sadness. My father was beating my mother, she was beating me, and I was doing shit to animals.
I feel guilt for that (which also connects with my humiliation fetish), but those sadistic tendencies are still inside. That's why I enjoy domination and watching suffering women (it's coping mechanism, recreating the pattern, and/or revenge for abuses/rejections).
I'm not sure about guro though. Maybe it's because of what I did to animals, maybe it's because what I saw my parents did to animals. Maybe both.
But on other hand it was kinda there even when I was little. I remember when I watched Red Sonja for the first time as a kid and that scene in the temple made me feel so weird. I have lost any interest for the plot or action. I was mesmerized with those priestes throwed into the pit. It's still hot af scene for me.
So maybe it's like you have also some predispositions for certain kind of fetishes all along?
I have been wondering about genesis of my fetishes many times, but I will never know for sure, if I was borned or made like this. And I don't know which answer would be better.
I'm sorry for throwing at you all this personal shit, but I've decided I will treat posting on /dis/ as a form of therapy. Not like I need one, but you know how it is.
I alwaysbfeel like my face is made of roaches and I'm naked and on trial.