Wall of text bellow follows:
Hello fellow Gurochanners. This post is meant as an offload of my life's story...perhaps I'll find some comfort here. I'll detail bellow as much about myself as I can.
I posted this on NoFap too, so I copied most of it from there. I believe there are a ton of negative effects that result from watching too much porn. Search NoFap if you want to find those out...
Note: edging means to masturbate but not reach orgasm, to basically search and search for that perfect pic, that perfect stuff to get you off.
Quick debrief on my NoFap journey: first try I went 8 days (but I still edged 6 out of the 8 days); second try I went 5 days and relapsed on the fifth( still edged so it probably didn't count much); third try was 15 days (still edged 12 of those 15 days) and now I am in my second day of my 4th attempt. This time I've decided not to edge at all, but I have broken that promise to myself... So I suppose I should consider this as the start of my 5th attempt.
<<The Bad Parts of My Life>>
I am now nearly 20 years old, a student. I feel like I have wasted most of my life (though that's an unreasonable line of thought, since I only became partially aware of how life works and what I want to do around 3-4 years ago, and even now I am not certain what I want to do with this chance to life that I was given). Haven't really went through life or experienced much (never left my country, never had a job, never had a girlfriend and therefore never felt intimate with anyone or truly connected<-this one tears me apart). Up until now I've spent most of my time trying to escape my insecurities.
There are two main ones:
I. Being mediocre, therefore feeling utterly insignificant, redundant to the people around me; from this feeling I've developed some kind of inferiority complex that is lodged in my subconscious mind (but I can't really be sure...I'm no psychologist). This belief that I'm inferior and that I'll never be able to succeed manifests itself as a self fulfilling prophecy most of the times...
For example: these days I should have studied so that I may pass my mid-term tests with flying colors, but I end up edging. (I suppose one teeny tiny good side effect was that I learned how to use Sony Vegas when I made myself a porn montage...which I edged to continuously; from this perspective, trying NoFap has created more problems than it solved. Spending upwards of two-three hours edging rather than getting a "quick fix" in 10-15 minutes and then proceeding to doing whatever was on my to do list sounds like a bad trade off.
II. My fetish(peril/guro-no need to explain this here, lol) which I've developed probably because of how I grew up (alienated and living in a dome because of my overly protective parents); I believe these fantasies are complementary to my feeling of powerlessness and lack of control. In these fantasies I imagine myself as almighty, having the power to decide who gets to live and who dies. The violent nature of these fantasies, however, has created a phobia - that of rejection by all the people that I know, were they to find out my...basically only secret. I'd like to point out that I thoroughly differentiate between these degrading fantasies and reality. I treat all the women that I know with respect. I do let some traces of misogyny slip into my consciousness from time to time, but that is asymptotical to irrelevant. This insecurity causes further damage by making me also believe that I'll NEVER be able to have a healthy relationship, that I'll NEVER find an open minded woman.
<</The Bad Parts of My Life>>
From these two observations and some others, a recurrent theme emerges: that of escapism from reality (that also makes me indulge in video games and consider them to be so damn good). This escapism is also fueled by my staunch belief that reality and existence are inherently absurd. I started out as christian, but quickly became an atheist upon analyzing the coherence of those beliefs (at around 12 years old I said "fuck it, it can't be true"). Now, upon learning that reality could be simulated, I consider myself to be agnostic because I am uncertain of the nature of this reality. This belief that I have rooted into my core set of beliefs sometimes acts as a coping mechanism with all the stress of life, but at the same time it also stops me from being achieving anything (this and probably my porn addiction that fucked up my reward circuit).
<<The Good Parts of My Life>>
This may come as kind of as contradictory, but I consider myself to be pretty smart and intuitive about most things. I'd say curiosity and intuition are my main strong points (but as I've come to learn, intuition is a heuristic method that doesn't really help on the long run and is only as good as my overall knowledge of a certain field is). So far I've cruised through life, getting all my exams with minimal effort (or what I perceive as minimal effort now)
I have a good social group. At least three good friends that communicate with on a daily basis and that I think are there for me whatever goes wrong. (but that doesn't stop my fetish paranoia. I just can't make myself take the risk to tell them). I have a pretty solid humor and social skills - i.e. I don't feel that awkward when talking to girls (except when it comes to my crush, I've had a few...and usually ended up confessing or saying some really stupid shit and getting rejected). I do however struggle to make simple conversation with people that I meet at university. The environment just isn't welcoming for me to start or maintain any conversation. If I meet someone through another friend, it's plug and play friendship, seamless - but as soon as I'm in that environment(college), my insecurities and lack of motivation take hold.
I am passionate about technology and philosophy. I want to understand as much as I can about this world, so naturally I am pretty dedicated to rationality and science. These passions and my need to be noticed, to feel like my life matters, made me converge towards Artificial Intelligence. I believe it is undoubtedly the single greatest thing we'll ever create...as James Barrat puts it: "Our Final Invention". Because of it's huge significance, I feel compelled to take part in the effort to (safely) develop it...to be part of the team that will ultimately bring humanity to the next level. Any other goal just seems to pale in comparison. This all or nothing view is also part of my problem, I believe. I kinda sound like Ash Ketchum though..."I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was", lol... These expectations that I have for myself are what's probably killing me now. I'll talk about this part a bit later.
I haven't had any serious diseases in my life, only two arm fractures. On this front I consider that life hasn't really tested me too much. I am 76Kg at 1.7m tall, and I do have a bit of a belly, but it's not that big of a deal. I've been exercising intermittently over the past two and a half years. Went for about 6 months of gym at the end of the 12th grade and have been doing push ups for one year and a few months so I have developed my chest and triceps quite a bit(I can now do 25 correct ones in a row). I also bought a wall ladder because I developed scoliosis from all my video game playing time as a young teenager. I got my back fixed (mostly) and have also bought some dumbells so that I may train. I've used them from time to time. I can jog for ~2km tops. So yeah, on the physical side, I'm ok...slightly above average.
<</The Good Parts of My Life>>
I like structure. I like order, especially in the things that I write or create. I also like knowledge, I respect people that dedicate their lives to understand physics, math and the world around us-so that they can further our race on the path of progress. I pride myself for getting this far and having never cheated in school. My core beliefs reject the idea of learning just to pass a few tests, get grades and move on with my life.
However....this self imposed illuministic approach to education also makes me incredibly frustrated with my performance. There's a continuous conflict between this desire to know (which I believe is born both from my need for social recognition and integration and my inherent curiosity in regards to the nature of the world around me) and my bad habits, that way I've been built so far...It's a fight I've been having since 17.
It also makes me feel like a HYPOCRITE... I tell myself that I dislike vapid and mindless entertainment and yet I find myself browsing memes for hours at an end or binge watching youtube instead of pursuing my consciously chosen goals. It feels like I'm not in control of what I do...(which is mostly true, because the universe is deterministic in nature and we're mostly acting based on our habits, controlled by our subconscious mind...). I do read articles and books on technology, AI and have recently started reading a bit of Albert Camus, but all of this I feel pales in comparison to the time I waste. (I don't actually believe wasted time is a proper term, because time never gets lost...it's only very poorly invested in my case).
I'm in the second semester of my first college year. I guess I'm pretty average on that front, I failed one exam out of 5 in my first semester and I have to take it again in about 2 weeks. I feel doomed. I'm also just starting with differential calculus and it seems hard. I believe that I have this perception due to the lack of exercise...
So, to sum up all the points...I feel ashamed, DISAPPOINTED, DISGUSTED at myself for not being able to actively pursue this goal of having a career in AI. I feel like I'm not dedicating myself to this enough and this makes me feel like shit, because it lowers my chances of success drastically, or so I think.
Part of this goal is of course college, which I'd like to ace, but which I can't really seem to do because I lack the discipline.
So what have I failed at so far?
-developing a work ethic
-getting into a relationship
-basic goddamn healthy habit formation.... THIS DRIVES ME NUTS. It makes me DESPERATE. Failure after failure...
Most likely reasons for my failings so far(self-sabotage):
-a lack of discipline (this is bigger than I'd like to admit; it is also a trait that's built off of will power, which I also don't have that much of)
-unrealistic expectations (I believe that my life would be crap and just unremarkable, therefore not worth living if I settled for mediocrity)
-bad habits (procrastination, the ever present disease of the human condition in the modern world)
-my insecurities ( I-the feeling of mediocrity impacts my confidence and in combination with II it makes me almost afraid of relationships...of being hurt or hurting; and even if I were to presumably get past this, I'm still unsure if I can find someone that would accept me for all that I am)
Words alone can't express the misery that I feel towards these failings. I am probably very irrational in regards to these aspects, as these are minor failings, however I feel like this is just a slippery slope to a much grander failure, of life overall.
Some other beliefs that are probably malign and have seeped into my core beliefs from all the "self help" materials that I've consumed is that I could only have the success that I so much crave if I was really desperate, or if I was working towards it from a very young age, or if I was some kind of genius. The media is plastered only with stories of people that were great or that have become great from nothing. There's little if any examples of people that rose from mediocrity to greatness, but this is probably another brick in my wall of delusions that I've so diligently built over the years...
I just feel...worthless, like I'll never fucking amount to anything in the grander scheme. And I feel trapped in my condition. This belief I probably enforced by my constant failures...
<<Closing Remark & Questions>>
I hope I didn't come across as some nutcase grandomaniac (this might be a result of my sub average upbringing conditions). In any case, whether this thread gets replies or not, it has helped me a bit to detail out, black on white for myself to see what my thoughts on myself are, and what are my perceived (I say perceived, because I am almost sure there's more shit wrong 'under the hood') weaknesses and failures, but also strong points.
I am now considering taking a year off of college to get my life in check, to dedicate fully to building discipline and a work ethic. There's a lot of things I'd like to do but I feel time constrained by the schedule imposed by college. If doing so, it would be best to do it right after finishing this year I presume, and trying to get through it without failing any other exam and passing the one I first failed (I feel this is really hard now). What do you think about this decision?
I don't think I am alone in this situation that I'm currently in... but I'd like to get confirmation. Was there anyone else in a state that's close to mine(at least the insecurities part) and got over it?
Thank you to anyone who has had the patience to read through all this.
<</Closing Remarks & Questions>>
I think there are some similarities with me but you came to opposite conclusion on blaming yourself for not fitting the world, unlike my conclusion, that world is not fit for me.
Just like you I am in pretty good physical condition and have no problems talking with women and also I have excellent skills in various areas of technology. I finished university with excellent results and little effort. But finding girlfriend was problematic because I simply do not meet that many free women. And now it appears that I am trapped between making money and living miserable life in routine like other people or doing what I want and facing uncertainty in future.
If I want to make lots of money I will not have any time for fun so life will be somewhat pointless. If I continue to live like now life is good, but it is not clear how long it will last like that and income is unpredictable and you still need some money to have fun.
Other people may tell you not to give up but I will say that even if you will manage to accomplish your goals they wont give you any happiness. And most likely you will really never find open minded woman (because that will requite to take unjustified risk and effort which will offset all benefits of being in relationship) but maybe you will be lucky.
Do you even know why do you need girlfriend? Just because you are told that this is what you must have?
You will not manage to build discipline or work ethic, simply because those things are meaningless to you. This is not weakness, but simply lack or purpose. The stuff which you want to accomplish is not what your really want. If it was, you woud be accomplishing it.
Taking a year off will not do anything good because you probably will never return back and you will have even less reason for discipline.
My suggestion woud be to give up on everything and focus on what you like, however at same time you should be responsible and work properly on accomplishing what you like. even if what you like if masturbating you must think on how to make that masturbation possible or if you will end being homeless or in jail it will be pretty hard to watch porn. But there is no point to seek any great accomplishments.
There is no problem being mediocre, because if you want to get higher you need to make more effort. really really matters is how much buck per bang you have to spend and how much you need to suffer doing what you dont like for getting what you want.
In that aspect I consider myself lucky, because I got more in my life than I deserved.
Your college, probably was a mistake by itself, because it will not give you any benefits and you may end up with debt which will ruin your life forever. (but probably your parent are paying for everything) Economy is not doing well and it will get worse so those your insecurities are pretty real. My university was also just a waste of time but at least i was getting paid and not paying myself for studies. So that was like some kind of job where you learn to get money LOL
In my country college is state paid if you're good enough. I have been good enough thus far so I don't consider college that much of a mistake.
"Other people may tell you not to give up but I will say that even if you will manage to accomplish your goals they wont give you any happiness."
I don't seek happiness. I seek fulfillment and acceptance from a mate. Happiness is a temporary chemical high. If I wanted to live my life only for happiness, I'd go on a hedonistic rampage with all the money I've saved and then just suicide, lol.
If you do not pay for college it is all fine, and you should try to finish it properly.
On what kind of hedonistic rampage you can go? from what I understood you are not that kind of person who would be interested in short term pleasures.
I am not talking about temporary happiness, I am talking about more or less same fulfillment when you are satisfied with yourself.
But why do you need that acceptance from a mate?
I guess you may want to find someone who needs you as who you are. but this is quite unlikely. I don't think many women need a evil megalomaniac dictator obsessed with porn and technology LOL
If you were someone who loves to work and make money, or opposite, if you were someone obsessed with hedonistic life wasting money left and right, you would get acceptance from most of women.
>>evil megalomaniac dictator obsessed with porn and technology
I LOL'd... but then I realized it's almost true (minus the evil part).
Honestly, I wouldn't want to lead a dictatorship myself, but I'd like one to be ruling over all earth - a dictatorship led by ANIs (if they were AGIs they might just wipe us out or upload us all because these flesh shells are incredibly flawed) specified in each matter that running a state needs. I think human nature is just too flawed to be able to cope with being in administrative goals without being corrupted by the power. This makes the economical and technological growth of the race inefficient. Human nature also is the main source of any armed conflict and large scale wars (that I think most people don't want to have any part of anyway).
Maybe just like me you don't want to be God you want to be creator of god itself. LOL
I used to think same but actually world is not like that.
Problem is not with human nature but with how everything works in our universe
Human nature is not flawed, you just not yet found what you really want from the universe for yourself and everyone else.