Hello. I'm on and off in this site for about 7 years now. This has nothing to do with self-pity for my dark fantasies or any kind of guilt. Though these things do surface sometimes, i've made peace with it. The point is this.
Because i've been into weird things since even before puberty, i've never trully turned on by the act of sex ALONE. Meaning lots of my fantasies usually have a sexual aspect to them, but, for example, the idea of simply two people fucking was difficult to arouse me to say the least.
To top all this off, the nature of those tastes has resulted in lots of porn, and to add to that, mostly animated porn (hence me discovering this site). Maybe because it was more detached from reality? who knows.
They're have been two incidents with girls where i couldn't get an erection. Sure there was a lot of stress at both times, being as inexperienced and nervous as i was, but the thought at the back of my head was also, "this is nothing like i've romanticized or sexualised before." The most recent one, yesterday, was with a girl i really like, she attributed the fact to stress and anxiety, and still wants to be with me. Ever since i can't stop thinking if i'm doomed or just overeacting. Only saving thought is that i could get an erection during an older situation with a girl i was much more confident with. And there wasn't even any real action.
The million dollar question is. Does this ever go away? or am i just nervous as fuck?
TL;DR : I CAN'T GET IT UP BECAUSE NERVOUS OR BECAUSE BDSM/GURO/PORN?
Probably yes this is because of porn you are masturbating too much and your arousal is low. if you stopped masturbating for month you woud get turned on by the cow.
Maybe there is lack of sleep.
Being nervous do not help either so you should stop thinking about sex as some chore or responsibility you should do some foreplay at first until you get into the mood.
in the worst case you both with your girlfriend could just start masturbating in front of each other and then you can have sex
are you yoshikage kira
You're right, it's probably Porn Induced ED.
Thanks for answering.
Yes, because you have either ED or sex. ergo, fucked.
The advice of taking a break from porn is both difficult and extremely helpful (speaking from experience).
Talk with your partner. You don't have to tell her you're addicted to porn, just that you're nervous and ask her to take things slow, to understand, and whatever else you think you need. Personally, I've taken things slow after a talk, had lots of foreplay, then performed just fine.
Something that's also fun and productive is to agree on no sex expected, but foreplay as much as you want. It often (but not always) turns in to sex and is very fun.
I think there is also middle ground solution
There is no need to stay away from porn, it will be fine just to avoid orgasms while you can masturbate all you want.
That way you can eat your cake and keep it too.
That's what i did. I told her i was nervous (which was true, after all) and to take things slow. I'm also on a no porn and no fap rule at the moment. It has already helped a bit.
I think it will actually be ok. Last night i just stayed over and was getting some arousal from just spooning and kissing alone. I think the "no expectations" deal is very accurate and important.
I'm glad it's helping. The "no expectations" rule has helped me on multiple occasions.
My partner and I have both had some problems giving/receiving oral (long story), but we've talked before diving in to an evening and done things like, no expectation to stay hard or cum (went limp once or two but got back up each time and came), no expectation that oral needs to be the thing that finishes us (sometimes it wasn't but often was), no expectaiton on how long it has to last (sometimes a jaw or tongue got tired, but took a break and got back to it later), or what ever. I may not be explaining well enough, but hopfully you get the idea.
Again, glad the advice is helping.>>4192
As for avoiding porn, maybe if you're good at holding fantasies in your head as you fondle and fuck, but avoiding porn entirely seems to help re-sensitize to not-so-extreme things. It's something I've done and it was very successful. Having porn on hand has made it hard to get/stay arouse while not looking at it, so I think it's best to avoid it sometimes.
My partner and I also sometimes have nights where we watch porn together. Depending on the mood we'll watch something together and get in to things, or we'll watch our own things on our computers while watching each other enjoy ourselves. There's a lot you can do with the idea.
for me, it hasnt gone away. But its at least normal now. I can have an erection, and have sex with my wife. But I never cum. Shes fine with it, I get her off, and then in my private time I get myself off.
Thats fine with me, just sex alone isnt all that sexy. To be honest I only have sex for her benefit. I fap off to this shit on Gurochan because that is what gets me hot and bothered.
It's interesting to see the difference responces. What worries me the most is the fact that my "sexual awakening" as they say, was with damsels in distress and other stuff that had nothing sexual attached to them. So the issue of "going back to the roots" is a little invalid.
Is that what your story was? >>4223
Or was it fantasies that escalated from hardcore to guro etc?
>>4199>>Having porn on hand has made it hard to get/stay arouse while not looking at it, so I think it's best to avoid it sometimes.
You should not blame porn you should blame orgasm which kills arousal
if you avoid orgasm you do not need porn and you do not even need fantasy You just get aroused without any reason at all. Your main problem in that situation is that this arousal is distracting and whatever you do it always turns into sexual fantasy.>>4234>>What worries me the most is the fact that my "sexual awakening" as they say, was with damsels in distress and other stuff that had nothing sexual attached to them.
at least it was with "damsels" and not with some turtles or dolphins LOL
so it is all fine
I thing what you fantasize about, being from porn or not, is essential to sustaining an erection. Getting one is easier. That's why fapping to exclusively non-consensual fantasies makes it harder later because those synapses in your brain that are used to fire up messages to your penis everytime you see a "rape scene" for example, don't do shit when there's a pretty girl waiting in front of you. This re-wiring of the brain is necessary.
I guess it would be worse if it was dolphins, but that doesn't mean it's all fine.
Hey, so I didn't read everything but I skimmed most. Sorry if this has been said.
I've been drawing lately, and whenever I want to look at porn, I think "I should be drawing."
So I look at a lot of porn, more than ever, but I masturbate almost none because I know I should be doing something productive. I started drawing about a week ago and only did something once since then. As opposed to two-three times a day every day.
If I get aroused and I get an idea I really like in my head, I want to draw. Usually I end up drawing until I'm to sleepy to, I just fall asleep next to my sketchbook and finish whatever I was working on the next morning.
It doesn't matter, people can live with relationships without sex or with very rare sex. Or married to people who they don't find sexually attractive, and yet having a satisfying relationship. This was more frequent in the olden days and nowadays people are so damn picky and entitled about every little thing, but it's not exactly the end of the world.
I don't see why this would make you fucked at all.
It's "fucked" only in the sense that i want to have an active sexual life, and ofcourse, so do your partners, especially since they usually don't share your weird sexual hang-ups. Sadly, it can drive people away from you.
>>4236>>I thing what you fantasize about, being from porn or not, is essential to sustaining an erection.
Definitely not, you do not need fantasy to maintain erection, maybe there can only be problems with extremely strong erections that are almost painful.
You can fap to pretty much anything. You can do it even when you solve mathematic equations or read watch historical documentary.
I think it is not so much about what you actually do now but about your future expectations. So if you will know that solving this maths equation will lead to something what you want working on that equation will be just as sexy as watching porn.
this is even true for porn itself, because most oof the time is spent on searching and downloading while most sexy thing you see is that download bar indicating that movie of your dreams will be ready withing 10 minutes. and when it is actually on your hdd you spend your time watching download bar of another movie instead of what you just got.
"South park" did one episode about that issue
Smart person, true words. Seconded, I guess.
Make out sessions have been mostly uninspiring. Occationaly i'll get a rod, usually i'm holding on a semi, but not much after. Foreplay seems to go on forever and i'm bored quickly. This past week has been just that, thanks to that time of the month.
The no-porn, no fap plan wasn't working, causing a relapse, twice. >>4249
Who does that? Fapping to anything is not a thing. I only get rock hard through morning wood and specific porn.
Occam's razor begs the question of whether, possibly, you're not actually into the females.
Which doesn't necessarily mean you're into the males instead, mind.
(given that the general proportion of the population suggests about three students per classroom who aren't classically "straight"...)
>>4267>>The no-porn, no fap plan wasn't working, causing a relapse, twice.
what do you men with "relapse" you were unable to stay without porn? or it does not help even if you avoid masturbation?
>>Who does that? Fapping to anything is not a thing. I only get rock hard through morning wood and specific porn.
I did that few times, like masturbating when working on C++ programming, but it is distractive.
If you only get hard from specific porn that is precisely the problem of too much masturbation because you should be able to get hard without any stimulation at all.
even if you prefer, guro fantasies should eventually fill your head and you should get hard without any porn regardless of what you are doing
so even if you have no interest in your girlfriend (because for example you are gay) at that moment you can just fantasize about something else and have sex with her.
I didn't know i had to clarify this, but i know i'm not gay. I'm also pretty sure i'm not asexual. Although the criteria for being one, seem so vague, they might as well say, "if you feel like an asexual, you are asexual."
I see women i wanna have sex with everyday, so i don't think that's it.>>4272
I know relapse is a strong word, basically i wanted to go as far as i could without any porn, to detach my brain from it. After a week of almost everyday "blue balls" i had to get one out. While masturbating, i was erect in a second and came quickly, like my penis/brain was waiting for the stimulation it has gotten used to.
Sure, fantasizing gets me in the mood, too. But it seems odd to try and fantasize about something completely different from what you're experiencing with the girl.
I want to ask you something. When you fap alone, programming or anything, is the sensation from your hands on your genitals the only cause of arousal/erection or do you get "distracted" by sexual thoughts?
>>4274>>While masturbating, i was erect in a second and came quickly
Ok but was it "premature ejaculation" or you deliberately made it fast?
I wonder what is your masturbation preferences do you do it for as long as you have free time or you just do it just to get rid of it.
I think it is quite waste to come quickly all fun is to do it for hours until finally you have to sleep or go somewhere and even then you can avoid orgasm and keep it for later.
>.Sure, fantasizing gets me in the mood, too. But it seems odd to try and fantasize about something completely different from what you're experiencing with the girl.
Yes, but this is practically unavoidable because when you are really aroused your fantasies will go on their own.
Sometimes I can't even read erotic story or manga because my fantasies are taking over and derailing everything.
what looks pretty strange when you read story and imagine something different in your head.
When you are with your girlfriend you should be imagining how you will rape and torture her later and preferably she should share your fantasies and play along too. I suspect that women do not really care what you think about them as long as you think about them and this is what makes them happy. So even if you dream about torturing her she should be happy if she is sure that she is safe.
Just makes sure to make it clear that you need her.
Of course if you will ever decide to tell your girlfriend about your fantasies do it slowly not so freak her out.
Execution your fantasies is completely different thing because even if you get chance to do it usually you notice that it is very different from what you imagined.
>>I want to ask you something. When you fap alone, programming or anything, is the sensation from your hands on your genitals the only cause of arousal/erection or do you get "distracted" by sexual thoughts?
I do not do that anymore but yes cause or erection is usually sensation from my hands without assistance there is arousal but very little or weak erection.
I do not have constant sexual thoughts when working I only have those thought occasionally. Probably it is same sensation as your "blue balls"
I think it woud be same for you if you just masturbated without orgasm.
No, i mean it was easy, not premature. I've edged to porn and certainly gone on for hours. Not that i'm constanly erect during it, there's ups and downs, depending on if i find something exciting.
It's different to become aroused, meaning erect, from physical contact by someone, and different to just masturbate to images or things in your head. The bad thing is that now whenever an erection occurs during making out, i become too...aware of it, and lose focus quickly.
"Execution your fantasies is completely different thing because even if you get chance to do it usually you notice that it is very different from what you imagined. "
Exactly. That's why i don't think it's a matter of "turning the kink on" per se. Watching something and doing it is completely different, never mind the things you can only fantasize about.
Things are not getting any better. Came over last night, tried twice, soft as a hamster. Started thinking if i have intimacy issues from the last girl i was "dating", that didn't want to touch me because she was religious as fuck. If it's not obvious yet, i haven't had intercourse in the past.
My girl is very worried and helpful, i've told her about the anxiety and my insecurities, i've even mentioned the PI-ED, and i only know her for like two weeks. Still, can't bring myself to tell her about all these stuff. She even offered to watch "what i liked" with her, but i'm not comfortable at all with the idea. Everytime sex becomes a possibility, i get more and more anxious, and not sure of what to do in the moment. She asks me what i like and i literally don't know how to answer...
I guess not hating yourself for your tastes is not the same as speaking openly about it.
Don't know if this thread is already dead, but anyone who'd like to share any experiences is welcome, though.
As the last resort you can just buy Viagra. LOL
But looks like you will have to tell her truth about yourself after all, so start preparing for that.
But I still wonder why you cant just ignore girlfriend and use your fantasies to get aroused while only using her vagina as some flashlight.
This not very nice in regards to your girlfriend but nothing else works anyway.
I think your main problem is anxiety , it is impossible to have sex with that felling.
OP: Am I fucked?
Ok, two question checklist.
1. Are you alive?
2. Are you on this website?
If you answered yes to either of these questions then, uh, I believe the answer to your question should be obvious.
I told her a few days ago about it. Not very graphic on the details, but i confessed that i had "weird and dark fantasies" ever since i was a kid, and that it caused me to develop very poor sexual confidence. And that this, in addition with copious porn use, was the main cause of the problem.
Thankfully, she was very understanding and willing to work this though with me. I think this will help in the long run, especially if i keep away from porn indefinitely. I certainly hope so.
Glad you were up to it. Best of luck moving forward^^